A Letter to a lost Friend

Hello Dear Friend,

It’s me again… 

If you only read these next few lines I want you to know that I love you, I miss you and I'm not going anywhere.  

I also want you to know that I'll understand if you need to vanish again.

If you are still reading - Thank you. I have been rehearsing what exactly it is I should say after this point...I wake at 3:00am and practice what I would say, What I want you to ultimately know, is that we don't have to talk about anything in particular - you can take a pass on anything too dark/heavy (I know you are laughing right now: 'yes' I can do small talk,  and 'yes' I don't always have to do a deep dive and am really good at discussing the lighter things: books, recipes - cute new jeans). I talk with small children all day and have lots of cute jokes to tell too! 

I'm sorry about the cute memes and Emoji's - I notice you didn't respond to those either. By now - you're probably used to my 'signature' move (self-deprecation and humour to break the ice). I don't know if you know this, but when I was growing up I often used Humour to break through the silence and bring some levity into our home- it's just what I learned to do when everyone stopped talking and things got too silent. SO yes...It's true - I crack jokes when I'm nervous I suppose.

I can see that humour doesn't have a place right now- not this time  (and as you've often said: Humour comes from darkness) - well... believe me when I say I am no stranger to sitting with people in their darkness. I really am honoured you shared your darkness with me. I'm here when you are ready to talk about it again.. I don't get spooked as easily as you think.

I’ve written and re-written this letter so many times – rearranging my sentences, tiptoeing over my own words and desperately trying to say *just the right thing. What I really want you to know I guess is that I can handle much more than you think.

I don't want to push you away- but I don't want you to think you are alone in this either. 

I know we’re very different... perhaps I should have paid more attention to this? I honestly never thought it would trip us up - everything was always so easy and our quirks somehow always fell in synch and our quirky sense of humour bridged any awkward pauses. Were there clues I missed or hints along the way that our seemingly effortless friendship would simply evaporate as soon as life got hard? You always teased me about my fascination with the whole "Introvert .vs Extrovert thing" - but to be honest I'm kinda clinging to the whole notion these days as it's truly helping me to navigate these unchartered waters.. perhaps giving me a clue as to why you have pulled away. Why you are choosing to go this alone...

I’m rambling again.. Sorry – I know it’s not quite this simple and I know it's something so much bigger than me loving strangers and talking too much and you needing to recharge in total silence.  I just can't help but wonder if you staying away has less to do with how differently we moved through life when things were 'good'  - - but more about how differently we move through life when we are 'struggling'.

By this I mean - how each of us are innately able to cope when things start to fall apart. I think its obvious that I cope by talking things through, totally organic and completely unhatched... thoughts trailing and unfinished (Drives you crazy right?). The thing is - Talking helps me through - until I've finally figured out what I'm trying to say/do (kinda like this letter).

I've been doing a lot of learning and thinking during Covid  (all thanks to this amazing life coach/therapist; let me know if you'd like her email address)  - that there are many different ways people Cope...

Maybe my coping style bothers you? I know I'm a fixer... (I can hear you snickering - Yes - I ooze Princess Poppy) -- but this part is true.. I refuse to give up on people and will die trying to find a solution. ...But maybe this isn't what you need right now.

I can simply listen too. I realize now that some people cope by denying - and so many other ways.

I know I've never lived with depression or anxiety - so you think I couldn't possibly understand... but I hope you will give me a chance. I've never opened up to you about what I've gone through and the others in my family who I've supported for nearly a life time. 

Ironic I know - but as an extrovert I'm actually quite private when it comes to this kinda stuff... I don't want to scare people away. Or I suppose I don't think everyone will understand.

What I really want to say is: Thank you for trusting me with what you have been struggling through. I had no idea you had been battling Anxiety and Depression on your own. We don't have to talk about it - or we can talk about it. I'm ready when you are.

If it weren't for Covid -maybe this wouldn't have been so hard... maybe we would have discussed this on one of our epic walks or on the couch for one of our late night fire side chats. Or maybe we wouldn't... maybe writing is the best way to get it all out? To discover... and maybe even to communicate.

I'm here.

I hope you'll write back.