The Thing You Think You Cannot Do

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Dramatic right? But seriously... The Horror for me was posting my very first post to this Blog (and sharing my thoughts/self with complete strangers).

The irony is not lost on me as I've willingly enrolled in a 'Blog School'.

So here I am -  I've been asked to take a trip outside of my comfort zone. To be a little bit lost...and then to report back!

And without hesitation - I'd like to report that I have never felt more excited. It's kind of like the rush you get when goosebumps sneak up on you; a sensation somewhere between fear and utter curiosity. A 'newness' inside of me has definitely been hatched.

Upon reflection, it wasn't the blogging itself that terrified me- it was the fact that I didn't know what to write ( or rather - that I thought I didn't have anything of interest to write about or a focus).

Don't get me wrong - the whole gamut was intimating! From the thinking about what to write all the way through to hitting the PUBLISH button on my very first post. It truly was a supernatural feat -one which sent me hurdling towards the galaxy of the unknown. You should have heard the protest being staged inside my mind. The breaks were on, there was a noisy symphony of a zillion reasons why I was in the wrong place and should turn around immediately.

It turns out it went so much deeper than fear of writing/creating  -or even that I didn't think I'd know or have anything to write about. It was actually the fear that all the terrible things that had been said to me over the years; by toxic bosses, experts, 'Friends' (and even family) were true.

They had all pointed to/insinuated that I didn't belong here in the writers realm. (I have a good story for you about a Fancy and grumpy Editor who slashed my work to smithereens when I started blogging 13 years ago).

Yep - all I could see were her track changes...

So; the real reason I didn't think I should be here blogging and writing? It was ultimately because their voices were still very much alive in my head (and sadly -I still believed them).

Enough was finally enough! I mean...what if I had changed? What if they were wrong? 

I'm not saying I'm perfect - and that feedback isn't a necessary part of growth. But - What if they were also part of the equation (I wish I knew what Gaslighting meant back when I was being yelled at for having the nerve to get pregnant and embarrass the agency).

What if I had held back my true opinions and thoughts from them because I didn't feel safe, I felt bullied - or because using my voice was discouraged and frowned upon (or because I was raised to think opinions were asked for - not offered).

It was a noisy weekend for sure... It took nearly two days of wrestling to unravel all these ideas and false claims that were resurrected during this exercise. Yes, the critics were indeed back and shouting to compete with one another for the reasons 'why' I shouldn't hit the damn 'POST' button. 

I have never been SO excited to battle these critics though - it was time to stare them down and figure out why they came to take residence in my head in the first place.

I was like Eddie the Eagle at the top of the jump/ramp - running a slideshow of everyone else's reasons why I should walk away (I highly recommend the movie btw #uglytears).

I was sick of them all. What they had done and I wanted them out... I want to Fly!

And so... I sat with the voices- I listened to them... then I realized something:

All these "Experts", Coaches and Bosses (and even friends and family)  -  all seem' d to have something in common:

>They didn't get me at all. 

>They were nothing like me.

>Some admitted to not even liking people *like me that much (like my Career coach who admitted she only liked Introverts)

Many were also battling *unique demons (of which I had only later learned about).

And lastly -  none of them had ever left a 20 year career in Advertising to strike out and start all over again...

None of them were ultimately me - so the only expert on 'me' should be me.

It begged the simple question - why did I listen to 'said' experts and these people anyways... why did it take 'til my Forties to actually take everything with a grain of salt.

And most importantly  - Why and when had I stopped listening to myself.

Another fear that surfaced was this fear of Judgement (the snap judgement that happens when people only read a snippet of what you say - then they take it or you out of context and assume they know everything about you). You know the kind...

I had even stopped posting on Facebook and closed an Instagram account (switching it private) - for these very reason. 

I had realized something about myself as Social Media exploded around me- -I much prefer having conversations or discussions face-to-face. Where people can see and 'feel' each others energy and tone and 'mood'. I also hated that people saw one or two pictures of my life (or read one or two lines of copy) and assumed they could stitch the fabric of my life together without my help...

I stopped reading comments. I don't belong to any online/closed Facebook groups (I did belong to one at one point for my children's school and it was downright terrifying). I'm old fashioned in that I still would much rather do all of this 'live'.

I realized I had a fear of people 'thinking' they knew me before I had a chance to introduce myself.. This may also explain why I nearly freeze when it's time to write a BIO or when reaching out to Network or apply to total strangers for job interviews..

Perhaps I had simply outgrown Facebook and IG -and/or I simply hadn't found the right platform...

But - now - I think I'm seeing myself and the internet in a whole new way through Kerry's eyes! And I like it.

I'm willing to trust both again... and I think Blogging may just be the perfect space to hatch and start fresh.

I don't know what comes next... I suppose you could say that this is the stripping down part in renovation (back to the studs). But I'm excited to find out and am entirely grateful for Kerry and this push into the unknown.

....

"Not all who wander are lost"